The Disco Is Calm

Finally I am feeling better . I really thought i was going to have to go to the doc today and get them to give me a xanax or something ?
Geesh ! NOT Fun let me tell ya .
Heart racing, could not get it to settle down .
But im better now !!!

Panic in the Disco

Last night was ROUGH ! First a little background. I am in general a very nervous person. I have never dealt w/ stress well. I use to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day as well to help me deal w/ stress. I suppose I used food , well ok I did use food to deal with it too. But nerves have always been an issue for me. For instance I do NOT like riding w/ most people in the car. My husband says its a control issue but its a nerve issue. I was in a car accident twice actually both times someone else was driving , So i think that has something to do with it. There is a major high way in town here that I avoid like the plague if i can . I know it sounds like a i am a nut job but its not horrible. I mean I DO drive on the high way if i HAVE to i just go around it if i can because its dangerous . I worry to death when my son is out somewhere and he's driving . So things like that. Also over the yrs off and on I have had panic attacks. Nothing major or anything that has lasted long but I do have one every few yrs or so .
I was put on wellbutrin about 4 yrs ago to help with the anxiety and to help also with my chronic migraines . It helps a lot. In fact I did not realize HOW normal it made me feel until about a yr ago I had ran out , It took me about a week or 2 to get the RX refilled ( i figured oh i did not need it its so mild anyway ) . OMG I was a stark craving NUT ! My husband told me if I ever go off it again he'll leave me LOL
Which leads me to yesterday ! For what ever reason ( and i never know what starts them) yesterday after noon i started a to have a panic attack. I got home tried to calm down and it came on . I get this over whelming sensation that something is wrong somewhere w/ someone and I dont know what it is . My heart starts racing, it gets difficult for me to breathe or at least feels that way and it lasts for over an hour usually . So that one was over and as i went to lay down for bed it happened again, I am under a lot of stress right now . DH is working out of town , money issues ect. But geesh , I still feel something in my chest my BP Is ok. Ughh I hate this !!

NSV !!! My Rings !

Check this out !! When I started to gain weight my original wedding band got too small.
So my DH got me a "replacement" ring to wear. then on our anniversary I bought me an anniversary band . That's right I BOUGHT IT . Called him from the store and said " FOUND MY PRESENT " He said "OK " LOL
Well NOW I have a problem . My replacement ring and my anniversary ring as well as 2 other rings i got as an obese person are WAY WAY Too big , cant wear them .
BUT my original wedding band, is getting too big.
So soon I am not going to have ANY rings to wear including my wedding band.
The problem... its not good to size rings over and over. I was wanting to wait until i was at goal to get my OTHER Rings sized. I had not thought of having to get the original wedding band sized DOWN. And how is this for a kicker. I was looking in my jewelry box and tried on my high school ring ( I was a 110 pds in high school ) IT FIT ! Ha i almost died. So check this out . The silver ring is my "fat" ring if you look INSIDE it you will see my wedding band i am wearing now !!

OH YUMMY

I get "what do you like to eat " asked to me a lot , So i thought i would show you .
A fellow bandster ( she now has a sleeve) told me about this a long time ago and I eat the HELL Out of it, She steams her veggies I kind of stir fry mine ! Takes about 10 mintues here is the recipe :

1 orange bell pepper
1 green ( you can use any colors )
1 med red or white onion
1 med squash
Chop up to desired size.
In a pan coat bottom w/ some olive oil .
Season veggies w/ McCormicks Veggie Seasoning and Black pepper, Cook until Veggies are done . I like mine to still be crunchy .
You can add a protein too it.

There ya go

Working out ?

You ever wonder why some people have the get up and go to work out and others do not?
I have always wanted to be one of those people who run , I wanted to say " OH yeah I run im a runner" I have NO freaking idea why , Just have .
So I started the couch to 5K program once when i was about 200 pds still. Was doing pretty well on it and got pneumonia really bad and had to stop . These last 20 pds are kicking my ass to get off . SO i wanted to start the c25k again. It is SO HARD To get the motivation to do it. Its almost like Chinese water torture to do it for me.
What does it take to get up and do it ! Im on week 2 now but I am hoping the further along I go the more I'll WANT To do it. Im also hoping it will relieve some of my stress ! But GEESH !!

Seriously LOOSEN IT UP !!

Ok i know im not perfect and this is not what this vent is about . I am not trying to say I am and other are wrong. This is Simple Band 101 !!
I think i may have even posted something like this before . But i am GONNA DO IT Again.
I do not know if this issue is due to lack of Doctor education or lack of patients listening or patients not caring or hell maybe a combo of all the above.

But answer this ? WHY IN THE HELL Do people INSIST on keeping their bands SO DAMN TIGHT that they :
1. Can barely eat
2. Get heart burn
3. cant eat but one meal a day .
4. have to live on mushies.

Does this sound like FUN to you rational people out there ?
HONESTLY ? Is this why you got banded ? Hell i could have lost SOME Weight with out the band doing that shit ! I dont know about you but ever over weight person I know and ME being a former fat person LIKES TO EAT . That does not change.
SO why in the hell would you get banded to STARVE yourself for one !
I do not GET THIS CONCEPT at all ?
And to hear" But im losing weight though " WHO GIVES A FLYING SHIT " You can lose weight using the band the way it was intended and THAT WAS NOT TO STARVE YOURSELF I PROMISE YOU THAT .
Ok your losing weight at what cost ?
your losing weight and in the process your band is so tight :
1. your risking a slip
2. you might be causing a slip as you speak
3. You cant eat hardly anything
4. you have to live on soups
5. hair will start falling out cause your becoming malnourished
6. you COULD cause an erosion
7. At the VERY least you will have to have a TOTAL Unfill and that will cause you to possibly GAIN WEIGHT because then you can eat what ever the HELL You want .

My point ?? There is NO REAON or need to do that to yourself.
GO GET A DAMN SLIGHT UNFILL and ENJOY EATING NORMALLY AGAIN FOR GOD SAKES !!!
its that freaking simple !!!

Again I am NOT Perfect , But i will be DAMNED If i cant keep soild foods down or i cant eat them comfortably my ass is IN MY DOCS OFFICE getting a slight unfill.

Change in Perspective

BethFromVA on LBT posted something similar to this she gave me permission to "Steal" it for my blog . SO
I use to want to lose weight to be SkinniER
Now i want to lose weight to not die

I use to want to lose weight to go down ONE size
Now i want to lose weight to go down 10 !

I use to want to lose weight to go to an event
Now i want to lose weight to see my kids grow up ...


SO how have your perspectives changed ? Why do YOU Want to lose weight ?

Mean Bitches !

You know its no wonder girls have image issues . You ever wonder how girls, in Jr High and high school get to be so mean , hateful and cruel ? Are they ALL like that ?
Is it their parents ? Is it the environment ? I have a 16 yr old sister , she is 8 months older than my son they both go to the same high school. My sister is a good kid, straight A's , all Pre AP classes, she's going to go to Texas Tech For Med school.Popular Good kid. She's walking out of school the other day and her 2 good "friends" are talking shit about her and she HEARS THEM !!!
WTF ? Do you HAVE To be a BITCH to be in high school ?
My son has dealt w/ this kind of crap too when he has a girlfriend .
I remember mean girls in high school but these bitches now a days can be down right BRUTAL ! Where do they learn this is OK ?? I am baffled at this ??
You know it makes me realize how girls grow up to have body image issues when they feel like some one , their "friends" are constantly talking about them .
I remember feeling that way in high school. HORRIBLE ! If i could i would beat their ass my self !!

Time

I am in a little bit of a sappy mood today . Plus DH is not here and I cant sleep when he's not home. I realized some things after running into the ex boyfriend this weekend.I actually realized a few things.
1. Time goes by and people change. Sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad.
In my case it was the good mentally , physically it went from bad to good.
That relationship was not a good one even though he will always mean something to me it was not a good one and it was a good thing it ended. But it put me in such a bad place for many yrs .And today i was thinking about how normally if I had seen him , I would be screwed up for days, weeks . But its not like that anymore.
I have changed, Im in a good healthy, happy relationship, with a great husband and great boys.

2. which brings me to my next point. Nearly every day im in owe of my oldest son .
Again the ex brought this to my attention . But I was 16 when i had him , we have been through SO MUCH , we grew up together, he is SUCH A GREAT Kid , (So far knock on wood) that It amazes me nearly every day now how huge he is .
He's so big, yet still my baby . Sometimes i wonder how i got so luck w/ some of the shit I pulled over the yrs . Its a wonder I really did not screw him up .
I look at my youngest and think " I wonder what your going to be like at 16 "
He's 7 now .

3. My next point , idea what ever .
I realized after seeing the ex this weekend JUST HOW Far I have come in the last yr.
Mainly How happy I have become. I was so miserable over weight, I never would have been OUT somewhere at a festival . But I have gone to one of those things TWICE this month , One w/ my oldest son , he would have gone last night if he was feeling well.
But I would not have dragged my big ass out of the house long enough to be SEEN in public at a place like that. Let alone be confident enough to stand around all night and be next to an ex ANY EX . But i was, I had such a great time last night with my best friend and her husband, we laughed, cut up and just acted silly . Its just very , i dont know full filling ? I guess is the word ? I guess after all this what I have realized, is I have got my life back !!!
After almost 9 yrs of being obese , depressed, closed in , shut in , and un sociable I feel like i got my life back and I AM BACK !!!

Couch to 5 K Program

This is the program I started way back when , then i got pneumonia and had to stop it. I was up to week 4 I think when i stopped. Basically it slowly works you up to running a 5K . SO I am going to try this again , It should get the weight off fairly quickly plus help tone me up . I got some bat wing arms that could , well allow me to fly like a bat !
http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Seriously

I need to get off my ass and MOVE !!! Im putting it out there for the world to see . I AM GOING TO START EXERCISING THIS WEEK !! I have got to or its going to take me a year to get this last 20 pounds off. So I am put it out there , to hold myself accountable. I think im either going to start going early to pick up my oldest son from football practice and walk the track at the high school or I am going to start doing the couch to 5K program again. I started it back in Jan, and got sick and stopped it . So i need to do it again . So lets see how it goes. Ya'll bust my butt if i dont do it !!

To all you more experienced bloggers

Can anyone tell me how to make my blog Wider ?
I like the layout i have now but I would love for the 2 colums i have to be wider ?
Can anyone tell me a simple way to change this ? I am sure its just a matter of changing a number in the code but i dont know which one ?
Mindy

OH How SWEET it is !!!

Ya know how you have that ONE old flame that you will probably always have a little something for ? Well i have one of those . He happens to live in the same town as I do. Also happens that since i moved back here 5 yrs ago I had NOT ran into him.
LUCKY for me since I got FAT , i was 130 pds when we were together.
WELL , Last night I ran into him . Lucky for me it was at a festival and I looked DAMN GOOD if i do say so myself !!!! I was SO relieved to finally get the "running "into him over with and even MORE so that I was not over weight when i did it . Thank goodness for my band. I talked to him briefly . He use to be very attached to my son who he has not seen in about 12 yrs . So we talked about him briefly . But seeing him for the first time in a long time did not bother me like it had in the past. Which I was glad for. I have been married for nearly 10 yrs now . So its not a new thing. But ya know ya always have that one. And thanks to my band I was NOT embarrassed and I felt SO VERY Good about myself . It was great ! For the first time in a LONG LONG TIME I was happy , happy w/ myself, my marriage , my life. I kind of felt like " HA See what you missed out on " and those always feel good !!!

FINALLY

Finally I am back to my weight of 145 , that is what i was when i got my total unfill back in JUNE !!I gained 10 pds from June to July 31 when I had my first refill from the Total . Now from July 31 to Now its taken me THAT LONG to get off 10 pds !!!
GEESH !! Now Finally I can start losing again and feel like im making some progress !

[Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Words*]

Now I am 20 pounds from goal and I hope that does not take forever to come off.
I want to start trying to run again , see if that can come off quickly , or QUICKER !
So here's hoping !

My Fill Schedules

8/27/07 1.4 cc
10/5/07 2cc Fill
10/30/07 .5cc Unfill
12/10/07 1cc Fill
12/17/07 .5cc Unfill
02/14/08 .5cc Fill
4/22/08 .2 unfill Fill
5-19-08 total 2.5cc
6-10-08 Total Unfill !
7-31-08 1.5cc Fill
8-25-08 .50 cc fill
10-7-08 .50cc Unfill 1.5 Total

They WON

Tyler had an AWESOME Game tonight.
He did REALLY well , the whole team did, The Defense was on FIRE !!!
The score was 20-6 . Tyler sacked the quarter back , tackled the ball carrier 2 or 3 times, forced a fumble ,
And he's been really working on his kicking, he does Kick offs . He kicked a 60 yarder and a 40 Yarder !!!
The coach told him if he kicks like that the rest of the season he WILL Be THE Starting Kicker on Varsity Next yr ! So he was Very happy about that.
So he is very happy w/ himself !!! We are very proud !
After 2 losses in a row he was very happy !!!

Update : Went to the doc yesterday !

Saw my doc yesterday . He checked my band NO SLIP and NO DILATION ! Everything looked good . He took out half a cc so that was good no total unfill , i told him " I AM prepared to kick and scream if you want to totally unfill me " LOL He laughed and said" Not needed "
He told me when i am ready for a fill we will just do .25cc's .
SO 6 more days of liquids and we'll see how it goes.

For Halloween

I would like to Post my FAVORITE all time SCARE the HELL out of ya Video . My dad is HORRIBLE about scaring you !! So this is right up his ally !!! I LOVE IT !!!!

Docs Appt Tomorrow

I have an appt tomorrow at 345 w/ my doc . He wanted me to come Saturday and again today but Saturday i couldn't and today i have a parent teacher conference, But I am doing ok on liquids and last night i had pudding.
So im not worried about that , and told him that so he said " OK BUT TOMORROW YOU HAVE TO COME ! " I told him i would.
I know this I WILL BEG , KICK and SCREAM if he tries to totally unfill me again !
I DO NOT Want that . I will ask for a slight or even HALF unfill !!!

So we'll see what happens !

Update on Worried !

So far things are ok. I am able to keep liquids down , I am going in on Monday though to hopefully get a flight unfill. I am HOPING The doc does NOT give me a total unfill.
I think a slight unfill will do it . But the liquids are fine its just once i get to mushies or semi solids things start to go down hill. SO Here is to hoping ! I'll update on Monday !

Worried

Ok I have been dreading this post ! If you read my blog you know
My doc discovered that I am VERY sensitive to fills due to an esphogial problem that I did not know I had caused from YEARS of throwing up from migraines. So .25cc's of a fill for me is like 1cc . I can get tight very easily and quickly.
For the most part If i get a fill i find out im too tight in about 7 days go in get a slight unfill im fine. No biggie. IF I PB however I have a tendency to swell as well very quickly and it takes me a bit longer to recover than "norm"
So to now, About 3 weeks ago i threw up pretty good. Got swollen went on liquids did ok for a few days , then started all over again ( put my self back on liquids every time i PBed , Finally called the doc on Monday , he said go back on liquids for 3 more days call me Wed if your not better. I did told him im good , can keep things down fine, He said progress to mushies, I did today , I PUREED CHILI and IM STUCK !! I basiclaly have not had solid food in almost a month now. Should i be worried i have a slip ? I have a call in to my doc , he is going to want to see me Monday , this was my second fill BTW ( last month ) from a total unfill ( From the same thing ) back in June ! Im very worried, scared and frustrated, Im only 20 pds from goal !! and now this . I DO NOT Want another TOTAL UNFILL ! OMG I'll FREAK THE HELL OUT !!
I gained 10 pds my last unfill that i LITERALLY last week JUST GOT OFF. I swear i'll have a nervous breakdown if he totally unfills me again . SLIGHT unfill im good with .
I just want to make sure i do not have a slip . It could go either way , the fact that i can keep liquids down gives me some hope ! SO We'll see.
Keep your fingers crossed im good !