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I am not sure what is right now . I do know I am seeing old habits, feelings emotions come back that I do not like. I guess in a way its good that I can "see" them coming up now , as before I probably would have not and just let it keep going on ? What the hell am I talking about ? Well for one my weight. Since having the health issues and the fill issues A year or so ago I have gained about 40 pounds . I need another fill as of today . I have kept putting it off for one reason or another . Money mainly . But then I realized today a few things :
1. How did I get fat to begin with ? Not taking care of myself. Not taking care of myself now is not getting a fill. I need to bite the money bullet and go get a fill before I blow up again ( even more than I have now )
2. I am not wanting to go anywhere or do anything as much as I normally do . Mainly I think due to the 'Shame" of my weight gain . In some ways I wish I had never told anyone I had lap band surgery so I did not feel like people are looking at me going " SEE told ya she would gain weight " or " See she's getting fat again " Especially since i did so "well" so early and for so long .
3. All of the above is leading to not being active and eating crap ! not following band rules and all of that shit !
SOOOOO Today I have decided .. all the crap that is in my house ( which really is not that much actually ) But its All GONE . If i want to "graze" i'll only be able to do it on healthy things . I am joining a gym . Working out has ALWAYS Been my down fall ! I WILL ( I just wrote that right ) WILL Get into a routine and habit of working out ! So THERE I WROTE IT OUT FOR YOU ALL TO SEE !! Holding myself accountable on here too I hope will help !
I have for the last few days been not eating any sweets or carbs and MAN Do I feel it , I am really going through some with drawls and cravings. Just reinforces what I already know which is that crap makes me hungry and I DO NOT NEED IT !!!
Ugh! I'm feeling you on the weight gain! Since I've had my complete unfill earlier this year, it's been pretty depressing in the weight department. I've got a big project going, so it's been nice to shift my focus to something else. But I still hermit-ize myself, even though I have only told a couple of people about my surgery, because I don't want people to yack about my gaining weight. The cruddy thing is that my heartburn is still fairly steady (have to take a prescribed pill once a day at least and still have some heartburn). Because of scares involved in getting esophageal cancer (due to excessive reflux) and that sort of thing, I am extremely hesitant to get any fill until this has cleared out of my system...or at least mostly. The bad thing is that I'm wondering if it ever will. It's almost been five months without an ounce of fluid in me. :(
ReplyDeleteHave you had your band checked since the unfill and its ok ? The heartburn scares me too ! With the fills and the unfills I sometimes get really discouraged too. If I ever get the money I want to revise to the sleeve ! I dont see that happening any time soon though . You might want to try getting a very very small fill. For instance when most people w/ a 4cc band get a 1 cc fill I get HALF of HALF a cc fill !
ReplyDeleteThat is a good idea. I think I will still try to give it a couple more months before I do that thought in hopes that things will improve. I am really reluctant to agitate it and go back to Square One. I am still holding out on that sliver of hope that it will self-correct. But, saying that, I am with you on a revision later if I can afford it. I hate living my life with heartburn and not being able to maintain weight loss to boot. If this has happened now, even if it does miraculously self correct, who's to say it won't go back to this one day? Ugh! Like I said, I am thankful that I have my other project going. I can't imagine having the mental space to think about this night and day.
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