Disgust, vent, rant , HELP !

I spent the afternoon trying to buy new clothes , shirts mainly . Why ? Because the ones I own now are too small and my fat ass cant fit into them . I bought 3 shirts and left the store in tears.
The only GOOD part about the day is Im still TOO BIG To wear Layne Bryant clothes. YAY Me right ? SCREW THAT ! I have not been this disgusted w/ myself in I cant remember how long.
HOW the HELL Did i get here again ? HOW DID I get to be nearly 200 pounds again ?
I cant tell y'all how sick I am . Why did my band fail ? Why did I keep gaining weight and WHY CANT I STOP SHOVING FOOD INTO MY FACE ? ??
I struggled so badly on the way home to NOT STOP somewhere and get something sweet, anything sweet to ease my pain . I have to do something I know . Im really going to try starting now. I have been in the process of getting my house organized for the first time ... well ever . I have a couple more rooms left .... This has to be done in order for me to get ME back in order .
I have for what ever reason been resisting weighting and measuring my food for a while now. And I think I am at that point where I need to now . I am going to have to go off ALL REFINED Sugar . NONE I just cant have it, I felt the best I have in YEARS after I had my band and didnt have refined carbs for years . I have been making meal plans for the week , I need to make HEALTHY meal plans for the week now . Sorry i am rambling, I spent all afternoon in tears . I cant do this anymore. I cant go and have a surgery again to fix my fat ass ! I have to try to keep from gaining even MORE WEIGHT . Its my fault this happened. If your reading this and you have a band, gastric, any WLS do yourself ONE FAVOR, MOVE , WORK OUT , get into SOME KIND OF ROUTINE, if you dont you will pay for it later if something happens to your surgery !