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Ok so I have been running around like crazy the last few weeks and this week is NUTS ! My oldest son , my baby , the boy I had at 16 is graduating ! A HUGE deal for me , I guess any parent. Its special obviously to us, his family . Its kind of an even "bigger" accomplishment for my son because he's dyslexic and struggled w/ school his whole life, even bigger is he's going to college on to throw discus and that he WANTS to go to college after the difficulties he's had.
So that being said obviously we are proud of him .... Obviously I want my friends and family to celebrate w/ us. We are having a BIG party , like over 70 people will be here ! Maybe I am just extra stressed cause family is coming into town some I want to see some , uh not so much .
But here is the deal, I have some long time friends who have been w/ me since I had my son at 16, saw his sperm donor leave me and all that went w/ that who are acting like this is a every weekend occasion ..... By that I mean , one has plans to go somewhere already so " Sorry we cant make it " some others are not going to the ceremony but coming to the party WELL Of course you will the party , there will be food and beer ! Some have legitimate plans are already going out of town etc, which i totally understand.
I just think if this were my friends kids I would change my plans no matter what to see their children graduate . Maybe I need to re think how much effort I put into my friendships !
So just curious .. am I being over sensitive or am I being a bitch or a little of both !
This hit a nerve.
ReplyDeleteI have graduated a few times now (I have a few college degrees including my law degree) and didn't have parties or anything like that for any of them (other than Project Graduation in high school and some impromptu out-to-eats after some of the other graduations). I didn't expect people to send gifts and didn't expect them to come to graduation after graduation, which would've been the case with me. There were about 10 people at most who came to my high school graduation and law school graduation (all at the immediate family or grandparent level...none at issue below), but for my other graduations, I've had as few as one person there. It hasn't bothered me much because there have been so many graduations and because I knew that I would have a wedding one day where I would invite everyone.
But that's the issue: I dealt (and am still dealing) internally with people who didn't come to my wedding.
Over the years, I have gone--bearing gifts--to many of my friends' and family's weddings, showers, graduations, and other big life events. What hurt a lot with my wedding situation were all those (that I thought were) close friends and even several family members who blew me off when I have not done anything but be there for them over the years. Also, some of the people who didn't show up for me are those people who have asked me for legal advice at some point or another in the last couple of years.
Many people (including some family) who weren't there didn't even send a gift...in some cases, despite receiving multiple gifts from me over the years. I am not trying to be materialistic. A cheap frame or other item--especially from those who couldn't make it--would have sufficed for those going through hard times (although many of those not attending are doing fairly well, so it wasn't an issue of gift embarrassment for them).
What makes me so sad about it all is that these people didn't even think my special day was important enough to attend or acknowledge.
My husband and I have since re-evaluated our spending policies on events with certain people. We don't have ANY money to throw around with me not currently earning any income, with us having a new house payment, with school debt (which is high as a mortgage), and with the hope of me one day starting my own practice....not to mention my car is older than the hills and could break down any day, etc., etc., etc. But even if we did have excess cash, I'd rather be more generous to folks who care about me enough to be there for me or who are truly going through a hard time (for example, giving to charities/causes I support would be great if we had extra resources).
The bad thing is that three people who didn't show up for us in any way have had events (one marriage, one shower, and one graduation) since we were married, and it has been VERY difficult for me not to give anything because I am naturally giving. What I still can't comprehend though is why these people would've even sent us an invite in the first place after not showing up for us??? It puts us both in an awkward place. In all honesty, I truly think that two of them (and possibly the third too) think I am a cash cow what with my degree. But a degree doesn't mean I'm earning, and with the legal profession already over-saturated, it may mean that they are doing better then me even when I get a job! I really feel used and betrayed. I try not to think about it because it just makes me feel bitter.
So....to get to the point....I can definitely relate. If your friends know how important this is to you, those without a really good excuse should try their hardest to be there for you and your son.
I'm getting off the soap box...for now. :)
Thanks Girl ! Well here is the thing A few things. I raised my son by myself for the first 7 yrs of his life . I finished high school (I did not go to college though ) If you knew my son ( and I am not tooting my own horn , well maybe a little, but im tooting his ) he is a very polite, well mannered awesome kid. He does not do drugs , he does not get into trouble he is just a good kid. He had to work twice as hard as everyone else to get 70's and 80's in high school. ANYONE who know's me and know's him knows this . And know's how amazing it is he's going to college ! He was recruited by 10 coaches for discus . So to tell me , after knowing me for 20 yrs , after , like you said me going to your functions, sending you gifts, being there for you when ever you need me that your going to something that can be done ANY OTHER TIME that is just an insult to me and my son . SO I am with you , I told my husband today , Depening on who shows and who does not to this graduation I will be re evaluating my friend ships and who I do what for and who I give what to . He thinks I am being a little bit too harsh but honestly I do not think I am !
ReplyDeleteOOPs hit too soon. Once in a life time events, graduations, weddings etc to me are MUST attends you do what you have to in order to be there ! For your friends to not show up to your wedding is un acceptable and I think your right I think they probably just want a gift ! If i cant make something and do not have money I at least send a card !
ReplyDeleteWell, I am on your side--and my husband too! :)
ReplyDeleteMy sister has a reading processing LD (similar to dyslexia), and it has been very difficult for her too over the years. So I understand the accomplishment factor there (more effort, work, time spent, etc.). We were very proud of her for making it through school and to college too (she is in her second year now). And I can also see how, with all the struggles you've had to raise him from the time you were a teen to now without paternal support sort of makes this a dual accomplishment really!
But I don't think I'll ever understand some people--the non-shower uppers of the world! Ugh!
I don't think you're being a B or overly sensitive. You are proud of your baby and want to share that with people you care about, and you are perfectly justified in feeling put out by some excuses. It sounds like your son is extraordinary young man, and his Mama is just as awesome!
ReplyDeleteThanks y'all . I appreciate your support !! My son graduated last night. I am so proud of him and he is one happy camper. A couple of the no showers actually showed up ! A couple are showing up to the party . So i'll just deal with it ! He does not seem to mind too much !
ReplyDeleteHe is just happy to be out of high school I think LMAO !