Out w/ the old , in with the new , or in with the new out w/ the old ?

I am not sure what is right now . I do know I am seeing old habits, feelings emotions come back that I do not like. I guess in a way its good that I can "see" them coming up now , as before I probably would have not and just let it keep going on ? What the hell am I talking about ? Well for one my weight. Since having the health issues and the fill issues A year or so ago I have gained about 40 pounds . I need another fill as of today . I have kept putting it off for one reason or another . Money mainly . But then I realized today a few things :

1. How did I get fat to begin with ? Not taking care of myself. Not taking care of myself now is not getting a fill. I need to bite the money bullet and go get a fill before I blow up again ( even more than I have now )

2. I am not wanting to go anywhere or do anything as much as I normally do . Mainly I think due to the 'Shame" of my weight gain . In some ways I wish I had never told anyone I had lap band surgery so I did not feel like people are looking at me going " SEE told ya she would gain weight " or " See she's getting fat again " Especially since i did so "well" so early and for so long .

3. All of the above is leading to not being active and eating crap ! not following band rules and all of that shit !

SOOOOO Today I have decided .. all the crap that is in my house ( which really is not that much actually ) But its All GONE . If i want to "graze" i'll only be able to do it on healthy things . I am joining a gym . Working out has ALWAYS Been my down fall ! I WILL ( I just wrote that right ) WILL Get into a routine and habit of working out ! So THERE I WROTE IT OUT FOR YOU ALL TO SEE !! Holding myself accountable on here too I hope will help !

I have for the last few days been not eating any sweets or carbs and MAN Do I feel it , I am really going through some with drawls and cravings. Just reinforces what I already know which is that crap makes me hungry and I DO NOT NEED IT !!!

Finally graduation madness is over and family is gone !!!

My baby boy had graduated !!! Tomorrow we leave to register him for classes ! I am REALLY Not ready for this ... His graduation party and ceremony went really well. About 60 people showed up ! Even the people who said they could not come for one dumb ass reason or another ended up showing up ! It all went great w/ one exception ! I wont mention names or "titles" but most of you can probably figure out what "part" of the family this is !!!

There is always that one , you know that's not on your family , you " Inherit" if you know what I mean ... Well This person made it known they did not really want to be here , they were here on a vacation, some rude comments were made to ME , ok fine i'll let them go .... BUT I found out after the fact that some rude comments were made to and about some of my dear friends and family. WELL , that shit is not going to fly . Its one thing to make comments to me .. but when your at MY Son's party and you make comments about MY Friends .. yeah I dont think so !!! Problem is since its not "My" family if you know what I mean , not sure how someone I am close to would fell about me handling things. But The more I think about it the more I really do not care ! SOOOO The gloves may come off here soon folks and it wont be pretty !

Anyway ... I hope to get a fill soon ! REALLY SOON . Now that all this madness is over !