Friday, June 17, 2011
Out w/ the old , in with the new , or in with the new out w/ the old ?
I am not sure what is right now . I do know I am seeing old habits, feelings emotions come back that I do not like. I guess in a way its good that I can "see" them coming up now , as before I probably would have not and just let it keep going on ? What the hell am I talking about ? Well for one my weight. Since having the health issues and the fill issues A year or so ago I have gained about 40 pounds . I need another fill as of today . I have kept putting it off for one reason or another . Money mainly . But then I realized today a few things :
1. How did I get fat to begin with ? Not taking care of myself. Not taking care of myself now is not getting a fill. I need to bite the money bullet and go get a fill before I blow up again ( even more than I have now )
2. I am not wanting to go anywhere or do anything as much as I normally do . Mainly I think due to the 'Shame" of my weight gain . In some ways I wish I had never told anyone I had lap band surgery so I did not feel like people are looking at me going " SEE told ya she would gain weight " or " See she's getting fat again " Especially since i did so "well" so early and for so long .
3. All of the above is leading to not being active and eating crap ! not following band rules and all of that shit !
SOOOOO Today I have decided .. all the crap that is in my house ( which really is not that much actually ) But its All GONE . If i want to "graze" i'll only be able to do it on healthy things . I am joining a gym . Working out has ALWAYS Been my down fall ! I WILL ( I just wrote that right ) WILL Get into a routine and habit of working out ! So THERE I WROTE IT OUT FOR YOU ALL TO SEE !! Holding myself accountable on here too I hope will help !
I have for the last few days been not eating any sweets or carbs and MAN Do I feel it , I am really going through some with drawls and cravings. Just reinforces what I already know which is that crap makes me hungry and I DO NOT NEED IT !!!